Heywood

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During the late 1990’s when I was practicing law, my firm hired a new associate.  He was a nice guy, but entirely clueless, without experience or even common sense.  As was our practice at the time, we generally played funny, but always good natured, practical jokes on “the new guy” during his initiation period at the firm.

For a period of time, a transvestite prostitute had continually called our office and, notwithstanding admonitions by our receptionist that the person sought was not at our number, continued to leave voicemail messages in our general mailbox for this unknown person soliciting his interest and leaving a phone number, which was a Los Angeles, California number.

With the help of our receptionist, we left messages for “the new guy” from “Heywood Djabömé”, pronounced “hey would dja blow may”, including the phone number of the prostitute.  Each time, “the new guy” would call the phone number, not listen to the message, but leave a message of his own asking the prostitute to call him back.  This went on for approximately one month.

            One evening, I, two others from our firm, and the “new guy” were at the financial printer for a client and “the new guy” asked if any of us had heard of “Heywood Djabömé”.  We all kept straight faces when he told of the numerous calls that he had placed, never to receive a call back.  We suggested that he call again as it was late in New York, but still early in Los Angeles.  He did.

            The prostitute actually answered and our associate said, “Is Heywood Djabömé there?  I am looking for Heywood Djabömé.”  He realized that he had been spoofed.  We all laughed and he hung up the phone.

            Fast forward 14 years.

            I relayed this story to Andrew and it became an instant classic.

            At New World, we often play tricks on each other.  Our conference bridge provider requires that you announce yourself and then replays your name to all call participants prior to admitting to the conference call.  As a result, we often enter conference calls that include only our internal people by announcing ridiculous names, “Lord and Lady Douchebag”, “Miles Long”, etc.

            We were scheduled to have an internal staff only conference call one morning at 11am during which we would prepare for a prospective client call scheduled for 12pm.  This prospective client had a very interesting project for New World and were eager to not only make a good impression, but to secure the opportunity for our firm.  I entered the call and announced myself and was shocked when the prospective client, a young, highly educated, and successful woman, was on the phone.  I began explaining that I thought our call was scheduled for 12 pm, and, knowing how internal calls usually start, I immediately texted Andrew to warn him.  I was too late.  I heard the “ding” announcing a new participant arriving and then heard  in Andrew’s voice “Heywood Djabömé” followed by the mechanical voice “has joined the call”.  

            A feeling of utter dread, horror, and embarrassment immediately overtook me.  My only chance to salvage this disaster was to play dumb.  I said in a questioning voice, “Andrew?  Is that you? We have [name of prospective client] on the phone for our call.”  Immediately, I heard a click, a “ding” announcing a participant departure and heard “Heywood Djabömé”, again in Andrew’s voice, followed by “has left the call.”  I told our prospective client that I did not believe that the caller was Andrew and that I would put her on hold while I called him.  One minute later, I heard the “ding” of arrival, and in an unusually deep voice, “Andrew”, followed by “has joined the call”.  Andrew’s deeper than usual tone continued throughout the call.

            Our prospective client never said a word.